Helping Your Children Understand Foster Care

Welcoming a child in care into your home is not just a profound experience for you as a parent — it's also a change in routine and family structure for your biological children. 

This time can bring a mix of emotions and questions for your family. As a foster parent, one of your key roles is to guide your biological children in understanding and empathizing with those in foster care.

This blog aims to offer insights and strategies to help your children understand the types of things that children in care go through. This guide is to help parents foster a deeper understanding and build a supportive, loving home for every child under your roof.

Starting the Conversation

When it comes to discussing foster care with your biological children, it's often best to let them lead the way. 

• Children are naturally curious, and they might have many questions about what it means to welcome a child in care into the home.
  • By waiting for them to ask questions first, you show respect for their feelings and curiosity.
• It's important to be open and ready for these conversations. Sometimes, your children might ask questions at unexpected times — and that’s okay!
  • When they do, it’s a sign that they're trying to understand and make sense of the new situation.
  • This is your opportunity to listen carefully to their concerns and questions.
• Remember, these discussions are not just about giving answers — they're also about understanding what your child is feeling.
  • Your goal is to create a safe space where they feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions about having a foster brother or sister.

Simplifying Foster Care

Explaining foster care to your biological children can seem hard, but the key is to keep it simple and relatable. 

• Compare foster care to something your children already understand. For example, you might say, "Foster care is a bit like babysitting, but for a longer time. It's when a child stays with us because their own parents need some time to sort out difficult things in their life."
• It's also important to talk about how foster care is usually temporary. Explain that just like how a babysitter takes care of a child until their parents come back, foster parents care for children until their own parents are ready to take care of them again. This helps your child understand that a child in care may not stay with your family forever.

Answering Common Questions

Children are naturally curious, and they may have several questions about the foster care system and the children involved in it. 

Here are some common questions they might ask and suggestions on how to answer them:

• “Why is a child in care living with us?”- A simple and honest answer could be:

"They are staying with us because their parents are going through a tough time and can't take care of them right now. We're here to give them a safe and loving home until their parents are ready again."

• “What happens when they're too old for foster care?” - For this question, you could explain with:

"When children in foster care grow up and become adults, they leave the foster care system. Many times, these young adults still need help and support to start living on their own. It's a big step for them, just like when any child grows up and becomes an adult."

• "Will you still have time for me?”" - It’s normal for your children to feel anxious or concerned about their place with you when a new sibling is coming into the house — even if it’s just for a short time. One way to answer this might be to say:

“Absolutely! I will always have time for you. Fostering another child means our family grows a bit, but it doesn't change how much I love and care for you. We will still do our favorite activities together.”

• “Will I have to share my room or toys?” - In many states, one of the requirements for kids in care is that they have their own room and space to relax once they’re over a certain age. Many kids in care also appreciate having their own comfort and care items that don’t have to be shared with anyone else. These requirements make this kind of question a little easier to answer! You could respond by saying:

"Sharing is a kind way to welcome someone into our home, but your feelings about sharing your personal space and belongings are important too. We'll talk about what you're comfortable sharing and set up a space for your foster sibling that respects everyone's needs."

Preparing for Any Behavioral Challenges

When a child in care joins your family, it's natural for there to be some changes and challenges — especially when it comes to behavior. Preparing your biological children for this can help them adapt more smoothly.

• Begin by explaining to your children that their new foster sibling might act differently. You could say:

"They might have experienced some tough things, and because of this, they might behave in ways we're not used to. They might be sad, angry, or quiet at times. It’s important for us to be understanding and kind."

• You’ll also want to let them know that it’s important to be patient — it takes time for everyone to adjust. A good way to put this might be:

"Just like it takes time to get used to a new school or a new friend, it takes time to get used to having another child in our home. We all need to be patient and give them time to feel comfortable."

• Setting clear ground rules for all children in the household can help, too. Explain this by saying:

"We have rules in our home to make sure everyone feels safe and respected. These rules are for everyone, and it's okay if it takes some time for our foster sibling to learn them."

• Finally, stress the need for personal space and adjustment. You can explain:

"Sometimes, your foster sibling might need some alone time, and that’s okay. We all need our own space sometimes. If you ever feel like you need space, that’s okay too."

Keep Open Communication

One of the most important things you can do as a parent in a foster family is to keep the lines of communication open, not just with a child in care but also with your biological children. This ongoing dialogue is key to a harmonious and supportive household.

• Reassuring your biological children that you are always there for them is a great place to start. Assurance helps children feel secure and valued — especially when approached from a place that is in tune with what they are really feeling and thinking. A simple way to convey this is by saying:

"No matter what, I am here for you. If you have questions, concerns, or just want to talk, you can always come to me."

• Make it clear that your home is a safe space for all kinds of conversations. Let children know that it's okay to express any feelings they have. You might say:

• Establish regular times to check in with every child in your home. This doesn't have to be formal; it can be as simple as a chat during a car ride or while preparing dinner. Say something like:

"Let's take some time to talk about how we're all doing. It's important to me to know how you feel and what you think."

• Encourage your biological children to communicate with their foster siblings too! They can be a great source of support for each other. Guide them by suggesting:

"Talking to your foster brother/sister can help you both understand each other. You might find out you have a lot in common!"

Ensuring Fairness

In a family where both biological and children in care are present, maintaining a sense of fairness and equality is crucial. It's important for all children to feel that they are treated equally and are an integral part of the family.

• Apply rules equally - You’ll want to ensure that the same rules and expectations apply to everyone. It's important that everyone has the same responsibilities and privileges!
• Consistency is key - Make sure that chores, rewards, and consequences are the same for all children, regardless of whether they are biological or children in care. This helps to create a sense of fairness and stability. 
• Set clear expectations - Clear expectations are also necessary for a thriving household. Explain that everyone is expected to contribute and participate in family life. 

Note that consistency and rules also apply to how you choose to handle discipline. Some states (like Maryland, for example) do not allow physical forms of discipline. For kids in care who have experienced trauma, this is a huge part of their healing process. You’ll need to work out ways of managing behavior that are fair to everyone.

Reassure Your Children

Introducing a child in care into your home can bring many changes, and it's crucial to reassure your biological children about their place in the family. This reassurance is key to helping them navigate the uncertainties that come with foster care.

• Frequently affirming your love and commitment to your biological children is a great way to reassure them. A simple yet powerful way to do this is by saying:

"I want you to know that you are incredibly important to me. No matter what changes in our family, my love for you always stays the same."

• It's normal for your children to have a range of emotions about having a foster sibling! Make sure they know that their feelings are valid and important. Teaching healthy ways of coping with jealousy, fear, and frustration are a part of growing up and becoming a secure and stable adult.
• During times of change, a little extra attention can go a long way. Make an effort to spend individual time with each of your biological children. Whether it’s a special outing or just some quiet time together, it shows them they are valued. 

A Fostering Expert Can Answer Your Questions About Preparing Your Child

When deciding to become a foster parent, your own children matter. 

If you have questions about this important process, why not get them answered by an expert?

No question is too big or too small. Get answers specific to you and your life circumstances: personalized insights, next steps, and what you can expect when starting the foster parenting process.