How to Talk to Your Biological Children about Foster Care

Opening your home to a child in foster care changes life for everyone in your family — especially your biological children. 

These changes can present wonderful opportunities for love and growth. In addition, you’ll be making a massive difference in the life of one of the 391,000 children in foster care in the U.S. While you might feel ready to provide love and support to a child in foster care, you may wonder how this decision will affect your own kids.

As a parent, you want to protect your children and teach them to care for others. The truth is that fostering will bring both challenges and incredible opportunities for growth. Many families find that fostering helps their biological children develop deeper empathy, stronger social skills, and a broader understanding of family and love. 

Your children might experience a mix of emotions — from excitement about a new sibling to worry about sharing your attention. These feelings are all normal and valid.

With the right preparation and support, you can help your children adjust to fostering and embrace their important role in welcoming a child in foster care into your home.

Understanding the Impact of Fostering on Your Family

Even before a child in foster care joins your family, it's important to think about how your day-to-day life might shift. 

Every family member — from the youngest to the oldest — will experience these changes in their own way.

Your family already has its own rhythm — morning routines, after-school activities, family movie nights, and bedtime stories. Adding a new family member means adjusting these structures. 

You might need to rethink everything from bedroom arrangements to carpool schedules. While change can feel difficult at first, many families report that it helps them grow closer as they work together to welcome a child in foster care.

Some families dive right in, while others take time to prepare. Both approaches can work as long as everyone in your family feels heard and included in the journey.

Including Your Children in the Decision

Your biological children need to be part of the conversation from the very beginning. 

Start by asking your children what they think about welcoming a child in foster care into your home. You might be surprised by their insights and questions.

Some kids worry about sharing their toys or their space. Others get excited about meeting a new friend. Both reactions — and everything in between — are perfectly normal.

Keep these early talks casual and open-ended. You might bring up the topic during car rides, while making dinner together, or during other relaxed moments. 

Let your children guide these conversations with their questions. When they ask something tough, it's okay to say, "That's a really good question. Let me think about it." 

This shows them that you take their concerns seriously.

Most importantly, help your children understand the "why" behind your family's decision to foster. When kids feel part of something meaningful — helping another child who needs a safe place to eat, do their homework, and go to bed at night — they're more likely to embrace the changes ahead!

Preparing for the Transition to a Foster Family

Once your family has decided to foster, it's time to help your biological children get ready for the transition. Remember, preparation isn't just about rearranging bedrooms — it's about helping your children feel confident and secure about their place in your growing family.

Start with practical changes. Talk about how spaces might shift in your home. 

Ensure your kids each have a unique space that's just theirs — maybe a desk, shelf, or corner where they can keep their special belongings. This will help them feel more in control during a time of change.

Help your children understand what to expect when a child in foster care joins your family. Reinforce that they might need time to adjust to new routines or different house rules. 

Explain that their new sibling might act or react differently than what they're used to. You could mention: "Remember when you started a new school? It took time to feel comfortable. It might be the same for them, and that's okay."

Talk about the different ways your children can help welcome their new sibling. However, be clear that they're not responsible for making everything work perfectly. 

Let them know it's normal to have good days and harder days — and that you'll be there to support them through both.

How to Support Your Biological Children

The key to helping your biological children thrive during fostering is staying tuned in to their needs. Look for little ways to show them their place in your heart remains rock solid, even as your family grows and changes.

Keep up your special traditions. Familiar routines help your children feel secure. Try to regularly spend time with each child so they have your undivided attention. A quick walk or cooking dinner together can mean the world to a child going through this adjustment.

Watch for signs that your children might need extra support:

• Changes in sleep patterns or eating habits
• Unusual mood swings or irritability
• Losing interest in activities they usually enjoy
• Withdrawing from family or friends
• Acting much younger or older than their age

If you notice these changes, step up your check-ins. 

You might say: "I've noticed you seem quieter lately. Would you like to talk about what's on your mind?" Let them know it's safe to share all their feelings — even the hard ones. 

Some children may worry that feeling jealous or frustrated makes them "bad." Remind them that all feelings are okay and it's what we do with them that matters.

Remember that your biological children are experiencing their own kind of adjustment. They're learning to share not just their space and toys, but their whole family. Support through this process helps everyone in your home feel more secure.

Creating Fair Rules and Expectations

When your family includes both biological children and children in foster care, treating everyone fairly is essential. Here's how to build that foundation of fairness:

• Fundamentals: Start by setting the same rules and expectations for each child. When children see that everyone follows the same guidelines, whether it's for screen time, or treating others with respect, they're more likely to feel that your home is a fair and stable place.
• Consistency: Keep your approach steady with rewards and consequences. For example, if completing homework before TV time is a rule, it should apply to every child. If helping with dishes earns extra screen time, make that opportunity available to everyone. 
• Contributions: Set clear expectations so each family member can contribute to household life. Have family meetings where everyone can share ideas about how to make the household run smoothly.

It's especially important to think carefully about discipline. Since many children in foster care have experienced trauma, focusing on positive reinforcement and natural consequences often works better for everyone. 

This might mean praising good choices, using time-in instead of time-out, or creating calm-down spaces that any child can use when feeling overwhelmed.

As Elizabeth Murrell, a Maryland foster parent, puts it:

"Our home is a place where you can be yourself, where your thoughts and feelings will be valued, and where you will be treated with kindness and respect." 

This kind of environment helps all children — both biological and those in foster care — feel secure and valued.

Creating a Connected Family

Building bonds between all your children takes time, patience, and creativity. While you can't force connections, you can create opportunities for natural relationships to grow.

Start with simple activities that put kids at ease. Family movie nights, board games, or cooking together lets everyone participate without pressured conversation. 

These shared experiences often lead to natural moments of connection. Plus, they help establish new family traditions that include everyone.

Set up your home to encourage positive interactions while respecting everyone's need for space:

• Create comfortable shared areas where kids can hang out together
• Keep some family games or activities in common spaces
• Make sure each child has a spot to keep special items that don't need to be shared
• Set clear, fair rules about shared spaces and items

Watch for moments when your biological children show kindness or leadership, and quietly acknowledge these efforts. 

You might say: "I noticed how you helped your sister learn that new game today. That was really thoughtful of you." This positive reinforcement encourages more connection while making your children feel valued.

Managing Common Challenges

Every family faces bumps along the road to becoming a foster family. Being prepared for common challenges helps you handle them with confidence when they arise.

Handling Jealousy and the Need for Attention

Jealousy and attention-seeking behaviors may pop up, especially in the early days. 

Your biological children might act out or become extra clingy. This usually means they need reassurance about their place in your heart.

Instead of saying "don't be jealous," try acknowledging their feelings: "It's hard to share Mom and Dad sometimes, isn't it? Let's find a special time that's just for us."

Navigating Sibling Conflicts

When disagreements happen between children, try to:

• Listen to all sides without judgment
• Help children express their feelings with words instead of actions
• Look for solutions that respect everyone's needs
• Keep consequences consistent and fair for all children

Supporting Different Coping Styles

Some biological children try to be "perfect" to show they “deserve” attention. 

Watch for signs your child is putting too much pressure on themselves. Remind them that they don't need to earn your love — they already have it completely.

Other children might pull away or act like they don't care. This often means they're protecting themselves from feeling hurt or left out. Keep gently inviting them to be part of family activities while respecting their need for space.

Finding Your Balance

There's no such thing as handling each situation perfectly. What matters is staying connected with your children and keeping those lines of communication open.

Common Questions about Fostering with Biological Children

As you consider fostering, you probably have questions about how it will affect your family — especially your biological children. 

How do I talk to my kids about fostering? 

Start with simple, honest conversations and let your children guide the discussion with their questions. 

Explain that some families need extra help taking care of their children, and your family can provide a safe, loving home during that time. Use age-appropriate examples they can understand, like how friends help each other during tough times. 

Keep checking in with your children as they process this information, and remember that it's okay if they have mixed feelings about the idea.

Can you foster if you have a biological child? 

Yes! 

Many successful foster families include biological children. In fact, experience in raising children can be valuable when fostering. Your family's existing routines and understanding of children's needs can help create a stable environment for a child in foster care. 

The key is making sure everyone in your family feels open to this journey and has a chance to share their thoughts and concerns.

Can children in foster care share a room with biological children? 

Room-sharing rules vary by state and often depend on factors like age and gender. 

Many states require children in foster care to have their own room once they reach a certain age. Check with your local foster care organization for specific requirements. 

Even when room-sharing is allowed, it's important to make sure each child has their own area for personal belongings and some privacy. Setting clear boundaries and respecting everyone's need for personal space helps create a more harmonious home.

Will fostering change my relationship with my biological children? 

Like any big family change, fostering will bring new dynamics to your relationships. 

You'll need to share your time and attention with a child in foster care, but many parents find that fostering actually strengthens bonds with their biological children. Open communication and regular one-on-one time with each child helps maintain strong connections.

How can fostering affect my children emotionally and socially? 

Your children might experience a mix of emotions — excitement, jealousy, pride, and sometimes confusion. 

Some children might need additional support adjusting to these changes, especially when welcoming a child in therapeutic foster care into your home.

At school, they might field questions about their foster sibling or feel different from their peers. Many children of foster parents develop stronger empathy, better social skills, and a deeper understanding of family bonds through their experience.

What's the best way to prepare my children for a foster sibling? 

Start conversations early and allow your children to ask honest questions. 

Help them understand why some families need foster care, what changes they might expect at home, and how important their role is in welcoming a new family member. Consider connecting them with other children who have foster siblings.

How do I handle conflicts between the children? 

Set clear, fair rules that apply to everyone. 

When conflicts arise, listen to all viewpoints without taking sides. Help children express their feelings appropriately and work together to find solutions. Remember that learning to resolve conflict is an important life skill for all children.

What if my children struggle with the transition? 

It's normal for children to need time to adjust. 

Watch for signs that they're having difficulty, like changes in behavior, sleep patterns, or school performance. Consider family counseling, which can give everyone tools to handle the transition. Some children benefit from joining support groups for siblings of children in foster care.

How can I make sure everyone gets enough attention? 

Plan individual time with each child regularly — even short activities like reading together or getting ice cream can make a big difference. 

Create family traditions that include everyone while maintaining special routines with your biological children. Remember that quality of attention often matters more than quantity.

Talk to an Expert about Fostering with Biological Children

Do you have questions about fostering with biological children?

If so, why not get advice from an expert?

Get answers specific to you and your life circumstances: Talk to a foster care expert for personalized insights and what you can expect when starting the foster parenting process. 

Your willingness to provide love and care can make a huge difference in the life of a child in foster care.