What do you do when you want to become a foster parent but your spouse might not be ready? Learn how to have a meaningful conversation about fostering together.
Thinking about fostering is a first step in becoming a foster family.
Your heart may feel compelled to open your home to children in foster care. The most important conversation to have about this life-changing decision is with your spouse.
Starting this discussion might feel overwhelming at first. You may wonder about the timing, using the right words, or how to share your vision of fostering in a way that helps your partner understand what's in your heart. Whether your partner has shown interest in fostering before or this is completely new to them, a thoughtful approach to this conversation can make all the difference.
Starting a dialogue about foster parenting could lead to an amazing new chapter for your family.
Before you sit down with your spouse, take time to understand your own feelings about fostering. This self-reflection will help you share your thoughts more clearly when the time comes.
That pull you feel toward fostering is meaningful.
Maybe you've seen stories about children who need homes, talked with friends who foster, or feel compelled to help when you see a child in need.
Whatever has sparked your interest, write down what emotionally moves you about fostering.
Being clear about your emotions, reasons, and motivations for becoming a foster parent makes it easier to share these feelings with your spouse.
Elizabeth Murrell, a Maryland foster parent, talks about her “why” in her heartfelt letter to her child:
"We have opened our hearts and our home because we believe that every child deserves a loving and nurturing environment."
Some find it helpful to journal about their thoughts or talk with others who have gone through this journey. Understanding your personal thoughts and feelings creates a stronger foundation for talking with your partner.
It's normal to feel both excited and nervous about bringing up the subject of fostering.
You might worry about your spouse’s reaction to the idea or whether this may cause stress in your relationship. These concerns show you're taking this decision seriously. Most people who foster started exactly where you are — with a mix of hope and uncertainty.
Finding the right moment for this talk makes a big difference. Look for a time when you both feel relaxed and open to conversation.
Daily stress levels should be low, and neither of you should feel rushed or distracted. Choosing a calm moment helps set the stage for a thoughtful discussion about fostering.
Consider starting this conversation during a quiet weekend morning or evening when you both have time to really listen and share.
It's common for one spouse to feel eager about fostering while the other has hesitations. This difference doesn't mean fostering is off the table — it simply means you need time, patience, and open discussions to understand each other's perspectives.
If you’re the one who is excited about fostering, remember that your partner may need time to process the idea. Instead of trying to persuade them right away, focus on listening to their concerns and exploring possible solutions together.
Focus on asking questions, seeking to understand rather than persuade.
If you’re the one who feels hesitant, know that it’s okay to have questions, doubts, or fears. Foster parenting is a big decision, and taking the time to understand what it truly involves can help you feel more confident in making the right choice for your family.
Some ways to bridge the gap, if you're at different points in this journey, include:
The key is to approach fostering as a shared decision. No one should feel pressured, and no one should feel dismissed. By working through these differences with patience and mutual respect, you’ll find the best path forward for your family.
Opening up about your desire to foster takes courage. The way you begin this conversation can set the tone for your entire fostering journey together.
If it’s your first time having the conversation, start by letting your spouse know you want to share something important that's been on your mind.
Make it clear that you're opening a discussion, not presenting a final decision. You might begin with something like, "I've been thinking about our family's future, and I'd love to share some thoughts with you."
If it’s a conversation you’ve already started, remember to keep it a judgment-free zone.
Before diving deep into the topic, agree to approach this conversation with openness and patience. Reaching a decision in one sitting is unlikely. Instead, focus on a continuous, productive dialogue about creating a foster family.
Take breaks if emotions run high, and commit to returning to the discussion when you're both ready.
When sharing your thoughts about fostering, pause often to check in with your spouse.
Ask what they think and how they feel. Keep in mind that body language and tone can reveal as much as spoken words. Up to 55% of communication is non-verbal after all!
Reflect back on what you hear them saying. You can use phrases such as, "What I’m hearing is that you're interested, but don’t want to lose our annual vacation where the two of us get to connect.”
Some of the most successful fostering conversations happen when both partners feel truly heard. It may turn out that their biggest concerns have a solution that is easier than they imagined. In the same way, your spouse might surprise you with questions you haven't considered.
As your fostering conversation unfolds, certain topics deserve special attention.
These discussions help you and your spouse understand what fostering might mean for your family.
Your home life will change when you welcome a child in foster care. Talk openly about how fostering might affect your daily routines, family traditions, and relationships.
Foster parenting is an important commitment. Children in foster care need a stable environment, especially since 90% of them have experienced trauma in their lifetime.
If you have children at home, discuss how fostering could impact them. You can prepare together for positive changes.
Foster parenting brings new responsibilities.
While foster care organizations provide financial support for children's basic needs, discuss how fostering might affect your family budget. Talk about attending parent meetings, handling medical appointments, and being available for school events.
Many couples find creative ways to share these duties based on their schedules and strengths.
And remember: every foster parent receives a stipend that varies based on your location and the child you welcome into your home.
Think about who might support your fostering journey.
Family members, friends, and neighbors often want to help but need to know how. Local foster parent groups provide valuable connections and advice. Share ideas about building your support network together.
Every fostering situation is unique. Some children need care for a few weeks, others for months or longer. The median length of stay for a child in foster care is around 17 months.
Talk about timeframes that feel comfortable for both of you. Remember, you can start slowly. Beginning with substitute care to help other foster families may be beneficial before taking on a longer placement or making a full commitment.
Once you've had initial conversations about fostering, taking action together can help both partners feel more confident about moving forward.
Look up local foster care organizations and read their materials as a team. Watch videos from foster parents sharing their experiences, or browse through fostering blogs together.
Start your foster care learning journey with this video from Amy Kelley, Family Evaluation Specialist with Mentor Foster Care!
When you research as partners, you’ll both gain the same information and can discuss what you learn along the way.
If you want to learn a little more about what it’s like to be a foster parent, download this compilation of letters from foster parents to the children in their care.
Look for local foster parent meetings or support groups where you can hear real stories. These conversations often help answer questions you didn't even know you had.
Meeting foster families can also show what this life looks like — both the joyful moments and potential challenges.
Foster care organizations regularly hold information sessions for interested families.
Going together shows you're exploring this as a team. These meetings allow you to ask questions, learn about the process, and meet others at the same stage of your journey.
As you and your spouse move closer to a decision about fostering, understanding the practical road ahead will help you feel more prepared.
Becoming foster parents involves several steps that take time. These steps prepare you to welcome a child in foster care into your home.
The process typically includes background checks, home studies, and preservice sessions. Going through these steps together gives you time to learn and grow as a team.
No amount of preparation can predict exactly what fostering will be like for your family. It’s important to set realistic expectations.
Focus on building flexibility and communication between you and your spouse. Talk about how you'll handle surprises together. Remember that even seasoned foster parents faced uncertainty at first.
The choice to foster should feel right for both partners. Whether you decide to move forward now, wait a while, or choose a different path to help children in foster care, make this decision as a team.
Remember:
Your thoughtful approach to this decision shows how much you care about each other, your family, and children in foster care. Whatever you decide, exploring fostering together can bring partners closer and open doors to new ways of making a difference.
Are you and your spouse looking for more information on how to become foster parents?
You won’t be alone on the journey.
Get the support you need every step of the way with The Beginner’s Guide to Foster Care!
The guide can help your discussions with your spouse and give you a starting point to begin these important conversations.
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