Foster care experts Nakesha & Brenda share real tips for co-parenting with birth families. Learn proven strategies for building bridges between families.
When you open your home to a child in foster care, you're not just welcoming a child; you could be entering into a relationship with their biological family, too.
Many prospective and new foster parents wonder how they'll navigate this unique dynamic, balancing their role as caregivers while respecting the bond between children and their biological parents.
In foster care, shared parenting means building bridges between two families who are united by their care for the same child.
45% of children exiting foster care in 2024 were successfully reunified with their parents or primary caregivers making reunification the most common outcome for children in foster care.
While the idea might feel overwhelming at first, understanding what shared parenting looks like in practice — including why it is so important and practical strategies — can transform it from a source of uncertainty into an opportunity for meaningful support.
What Is Shared Parenting in Foster Care?
Shared parenting in foster care is a team approach where foster parents and biological parents work together to support the children in care.
Rather than replacing birth parents, foster families partner with them, creating a network of support during a challenging time.
As Nakesha Williams, a Recruitment Specialist at Mentor Foster Care, a part of the Sevita family, explains:
"This is a partnership process. You're in a partnership with the biological families, with the teachers, the counselors...and anyone who is working with this specific child."
At its heart, shared parenting recognizes that children in foster care have two sets of important relationships: one with their biological family and the other with their foster family. Instead of keeping these worlds separate, shared parenting brings them together when it's safe and feasible.
This might mean regular phone calls between a child and their birth parents, sharing photos of everyday moments, or even meeting face-to-face at visits or important events.
This approach differs from traditional parenting in fundamental ways.
For example, you're not making all the decisions independently. Instead, you're communicating with biological parents, working alongside case managers who guide the process, and keeping reunification as the primary goal when it's in the child's best interest.
The partnership extends beyond just foster and birth families. It's guided by the custodial agency (the child welfare organization responsible for the child's care and legal custody), which directs and supports how shared parenting occurs. The broader team also includes therapists, teachers, caseworkers, and medical providers.
Together, this team works toward common goals. While foster parents provide day-to-day care and stability, birth parents remain central to their child's identity and, in many cases, their future.
Understanding shared parenting as a collaborative effort helps set the right foundation. You're there to provide safe, nurturing care while supporting the entire family's journey toward healing.
The Benefits of Shared Parenting Between Foster and Biological Parents
When foster parents and biological families are able to work together, everyone wins, especially the children.
The benefits of shared parenting extend far beyond making visits easier or reducing conflict. This collaborative approach creates real, lasting positive impacts for everyone involved.
For Children: Maintaining Vital Connections without Guilt
Children in foster care don't stop loving their biological parents when they enter a new home.
The average time spent in foster care before reunification is 13.5 months, making ongoing parent-child connections crucial for maintaining family bonds.
Shared parenting honors these bonds while providing stability and care. When children see the adults in their lives working together, it reduces loyalty conflicts and the feeling of being caught in the middle. They can love both families without guilt.
For Birth Parents: Staying Connected and Learning
Birth parents working toward reunification need to maintain their relationship with their children.
Regular visitation is crucial to maintaining these connections. They can still hear about the first day of school, loose teeth, and new friendships.
Foster parents can also model positive parenting techniques naturally, without judgment. Birth parents might learn new strategies for bedtime routines, homework help, or managing difficult behaviors — all through a supportive partnership.
For Foster Parents: Understanding and Support
Brenda Sanders, a Family Development Educator at Mentor Foster Care and a former foster parent herself, speaks from experience:
"As a past foster parent, one thing I did regularly was communicate with parents of origin. It helps in multiple ways."
She emphasizes how this communication provides "extra assistance" in understanding the child's needs, preferences, and history.
When you know a child's favorite lullaby from their birth mother, or understand why certain sounds trigger anxiety from their birth father's insight, you're better equipped to provide comfort and care.
Birth parents hold invaluable knowledge about their children — medical histories, comforting techniques, food preferences, and behavioral patterns that might take months to discover otherwise.
Research shows that approximately 16% of reunified children reenter care within 5 years, but families receiving ongoing support and maintaining strong partnerships have better success rates.
Overcoming Common Co-Parenting Challenges
Building a relationship with birth parents can feel complicated, especially when you're navigating unfamiliar territory. Understanding common challenges up front helps you prepare for them with understanding and patience.
Working Through Initial Hesitations
Many foster parents feel uncertain about that first contact with birth families.
You might worry about saying the wrong thing, getting too involved, or not knowing how to handle difficult conversations. Birth parents might feel defensive, ashamed, or resentful about their situation. These feelings are normal on both sides.
Don't hesitate to ask your support team for guidance on these first interactions.
As Brenda Sanders emphasizes:
"Being open with the team is a huge thing because the team will stretch out their arms and will go the extra mile; they just need to know what you’re doing and your needs."
Starting small can help. A simple introduction, a brief positive update about their child's day, or sharing a piece of artwork can open doors without overwhelming anyone. Remember, relationships take time to build.
Managing Complex Emotions
You might find yourself feeling protective of the children in your care, especially based on what they’ve experienced so far in their short lives.
At the same time, you're asked to support reunification and work with the very people the children were removed from. This emotional complexity is real and valid.
Nakesha hears these concerns regularly:
"I understand, and I know, that we are emotional creatures, and it's hard when we form attachments. You have to just know that you're making a difference by servicing that child."
Biological parents are often dealing with their own struggles, which could include addiction recovery, mental health challenges, poverty, or past trauma. They're working to change while grieving the loss of daily life with their children.
Navigating Different Parenting Styles
Birth parents might have different rules, routines, or values than you do.
They might allow more screen time, have different dietary preferences, or use discipline strategies you wouldn't choose. Finding common ground while maintaining consistency for the child takes careful balance and open communication with your caseworker about what's negotiable and what isn't.
Setting Realistic Expectations
Not every birth parent will be ready or able to engage in shared parenting.
Some might be inconsistent with communication, miss scheduled calls, or struggle to participate positively. You can only control your own actions. Stay open to connection while protecting your emotional energy and maintaining stability for the child.
Sometimes, despite everyone's best efforts, relationships remain strained or minimal. That's okay too.
Shared parenting can look different in every situation, and even small efforts toward connection can benefit children when done safely and appropriately.
Building Relationships with Birth Parents
Creating a positive relationship with birth parents doesn't happen overnight, but taking intentional steps can help establish trust and open communication.
Here's how to build these important connections while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
- Starting the Conversation: If your custodial agency approves contact, it's okay to be the one to reach out first. Birth parents might feel unsure if contact is welcome — a simple introduction breaks the ice and shows them you see them as part of their child's life.
- Start with Empathy: Birth parents are going through one of the hardest experiences imaginable. Approaching them with genuine compassion sets the foundation for a positive partnership.
- Keep Conversations Child-Centered: Focus on the child you're all working to support. These updates help parents stay connected to their child's daily life. Avoid discussing the case or court proceedings unless your caseworker advises you to do so.
- Establish Regular Communication: Consistency builds trust. Whether it's a weekly text update or scheduled phone calls, regular contact helps birth parents feel involved. Work with your caseworker to determine the right frequency and methods.
- Include Birth Parents When Possible: When appropriate and approved by your team, involving birth parents in their child's life events can be powerful. This might include asking about family traditions or their input on clothing preferences for older children.
Setting healthy boundaries between foster parents and biological parents
While building relationships with birth parents is important, establishing clear boundaries protects everyone involved — you, the birth parents, and especially the children in your care.
How Do You Set Healthy Boundaries in Shared Parenting?
- Work with your caseworker to establish clear guidelines for communication methods, frequency, and information sharing
- Clarify expectations around visitation, emergency contacts, and day-to-day decision-making early on
- Revisit and adjust boundaries as trust builds, always with your caseworker's guidance
Healthy boundaries aren't walls that shut people out; they're guidelines that help relationships function safely and productively.
Why Boundaries Matter in Shared Parenting
Boundaries provide structure and predictability during an emotionally charged time.
They help birth parents understand what to expect, give you space to provide consistent care, and create stability for children who may have experienced chaos.
Most importantly, boundaries ensure that shared parenting happens in ways that support the child's safety and well-being.
Types of Co-Parenting Boundaries to Consider
Communication Methods and Frequency
Brenda advises talking to your caseworker about if it is possible to have a direct line of communication with the biological parents. “I always tell them to check with the caseworkers because they know the parents best.”
When supported by the caseworker, Brenda recommends directly talking to the birth parent:
“I usually tell our parents, if at all possible, get that connection because we want to help mentor the parents, too. I encourage them to have an open line of communication, whether that's through email, phone calls, or even just plain text.”
This is where you can find the balance that works best for your family.
Visitation Arrangements
While visit schedules are typically set by the court and managed by caseworkers, there is still some room for the boundaries that work best for you and your family.
Some boundaries could relate to pick-up and drop-off, but the circumstances will vary by state and the foster care organization you work with. For example, in some states, a third party sometimes supports visitation and transportation needs.
In certain situations, your compassion and empathy may lead you to support visits beyond what’s required.
Here, Brenda shares a personal experience involving a child in foster care who came into her home as a three-month-old infant:
“We found out that the birth mom didn't have all the time she needed with him, and the person who was doing the visitation for her didn't have enough time on her schedule to do extra visits as a newborn. And so we volunteered to do visits in our home, and that's how we actually got to know her better.”
If you recognize the need for additional visitation between the child in your care and their biological parent, talk to your caseworker for guidance.
Information Sharing
Be thoughtful about what information you share.
Daily routines, school progress, and health updates are usually appropriate. Personal details about your family, address, or schedule might not be. Your caseworker can guide you on what's necessary versus what's private.
Emergency Contacts
Clarify who to contact in different situations. Birth parents might want to be notified about medical emergencies, but day-to-day decisions remain with you. Having these expectations clear prevents confusion and conflict.
Practical Tips for Successful Co-Parenting in Foster Families
Making shared parenting work requires intentional strategies and ongoing support.
What Makes Shared Parenting Successful?
- Follow through on every commitment: If you promise weekly photos or a 7 PM phone call, be consistent
- Keep all communication focused on the child's well-being, progress, and needs
- Lean on your caseworker and support team whenever you need guidance, including 24/7 on-call support
These practical tips, gathered from experienced foster parents and professionals, can help you navigate day-to-day co-parenting relationships while keeping everyone's well-being in focus.
Document Communications
Keep a simple log of your interactions with birth parents, including dates of calls, topics discussed, and any important information shared.
This helps maintain clear records so caseworkers can best support the family. A basic notebook or phone app works fine. Be sure to include positive interactions, such as when a birth parent's suggestion helped calm their child.
Be Consistent and Reliable
If you commit to sending weekly photos, make sure you send them every week.
Birth parents are often working to rebuild trust and prove their reliability. When you model consistency, you're not only building trust but also showing respect for their role as parents.
Acknowledge the Biological Family's Role
Even when children are in your care, their birth parents remain their parents.
Use language that honors this: "Your mom suggested you might like spaghetti for dinner" or "Your dad mentioned you love that book." This validates the importance of the birth family while helping children maintain a connection to their identity.
Share Positive Moments
Focus on sharing good news and milestones.
Send photos of artwork, report cards with good grades, or videos of school performances (when permitted). Birth parents miss countless everyday moments with their children, and sharing joy helps them stay connected and motivated in their work towards reunification.
Work with Your Case Manager
Your caseworker or coordinator is your guide through complex situations.
Whether you want advice on communicating with biological parents or just need someone to listen, support is always there.
As Nakesha explains:
“The individual parent will have contact information for their case manager. They're able to contact their case manager during business hours if there are concerns. And then, one of our greatest benefits – we have 24/7 on-call support.
“For example, if there was an issue after hours, where, at midnight, a child is exhibiting behavior a foster parent would like help with, they have access to that 24/7 on-call support.”
In her role, educating foster parents partnering with Mentor Foster Care, Brenda also details why this is so beneficial:
“I reaffirm that we are hands-on 24/7. They're never alone. And that's why I try to express to them that they're really never, ever alone. And even if they're just upset and needing to vent, they can call us and talk to us and know that we're there to help.”
No matter when you need help, your caseworker can help you navigate difficult conversations, adjust communication strategies, and process your own emotions about the co-parenting relationship.
Attend Support Groups
Connect with other foster parents who understand the unique challenges of shared parenting.
They can offer practical advice, emotional support, and sometimes just a listening ear. Many agencies, including Mentor Foster Care, offer regular support groups where you can learn from others' experiences and share your own.
Practice Self-Care
Supporting a co-parenting relationship while caring for children who may have experienced trauma requires emotional energy.
Take breaks when you need them, seek support from your team, and remember that you can only control your own actions and responses. It's okay to step back and let your caseworker handle communications if tensions rise or you need space to recharge.
Moving Forward and Fostering with Hope
Shared parenting in foster care asks a lot of everyone involved.
It requires foster parents to open their hearts not just to children, but to entire families. It asks birth parents to trust strangers with their most precious relationships.
Most importantly, it asks everyone to prioritize children's needs, even when relationships are complicated or emotions run high.
The journey won't always be smooth. Some days, you might facilitate a joyful phone call between a child and their birth parent. Other days, you might comfort that same child when a parent misses a scheduled visit.
Through it all, remember that your willingness to build bridges between families — even imperfect ones — gives children permission to love all the important people in their lives without choosing sides.
Taking the Next Step in Your Foster Care Journey
Shared parenting is one of the most meaningful — and challenging — parts of foster care.
It asks you to show compassion, patience, and flexibility while keeping a child’s well-being at the center of everything you do.
If you’re considering foster care or are early in your journey, it’s normal to have questions, hesitations, and a desire for clearer guidance.
You don’t have to figure it all out on your own.
If you’re looking for a deeper understanding of foster care — from the basics of the process to practical, real-world insights — The Beginner’s Guide to Foster Care can help.
This step-by-step guide is designed for people who feel called to make a difference but want honest, supportive information before taking that next step.
