Overcoming Foster Parent Challenges: I Never Gave Up; Neither Did He

Have you ever wondered what it really takes to foster a child? 

For Timothy, a foster parent who has welcomed more than 50 children into his home over two decades, the answer lies in persistence, genuine connection, and a willingness to see beyond the challenges.

In Timothy's own words, this is the “story of transformation” that happens when foster parents commit to children in foster care. 

Note: Any names of children in foster care have been changed for privacy.

Watch the video, then learn more about Timothy's transformation story. 

"He Wanted Me To Let Go Because He's Been Let Go of So Many Times"

Timothy still remembers meeting Kyle, a young boy who would change the course of his life. 

“He was let go so many times because of his attitude," Timothy explains.

What many might call a challenging behavior, Timothy recognized as a child testing the only theory life had taught him: adults don't stay.

"It's like they're asking, 'Are you going to throw me away too?'" Timothy explains. 

"But they don't ask with words. They ask with actions."

Many behaviors — breaking rules or pushing boundaries — aren’t random or malicious. They’re questions: Will you abandon me? How far do I have to go before you give up on me, too?

"I Could See It In His Heart And His Eyes"

While others might have focused solely on the challenging behaviors of a child in foster care, Timothy looked deeper.

"I could see it in his heart and his eyes, you know, crying and things. He just wanted to be loved."

This ability to see beyond behavior to the underlying need changed everything about their relationship. Instead of reacting to the actions, Timothy responded to the emotional needs driving those actions.

"You know, my job title isn't therapist, but I will try to be one at the house. I try to, and I listen. That's what I've been taught to do: I'll listen to them."

Timothy recognized that children in foster care need multiple trusted adults in their lives — people who can help them process different aspects of their experiences. 

He focuses on being consistent and genuine.

"You Got To Pick Your Fight, You Got To Pick Your Battle"

One of Timothy's most important insights about fostering children who have experienced trauma is the wisdom of choosing your battles wisely:

"You got to pick your fight. You got to pick your battle."

Not every behavior requires correction. Not every rule violation needs an immediate response. Learning which issues truly matter and which can wait helps create space for relationship-building.

"I will tell any foster parent: They're going to be kids. Remember, you could have the best house in the world, the best love for that child, but they're still missing something in their life, and that's their parents,” Timothy explains.

Understanding that many behaviors stem from grief and loss helps foster parents respond with compassion rather than control. It's about discerning which behaviors require immediate action versus which are simply expressions of pain (those often need connection first, correction later).

"When You're Genuine, They Know"

Children who have experienced multiple placements develop a finely-tuned radar for authenticity. 

Timothy emphasizes this repeatedly:

“They know when people are genuine and not faking it."

This genuineness includes acknowledging your own humanity and imperfections:

"Be a person, a human. It’s okay to say, 'Man, I made a mistake,’ and I’ve done that, or ‘I shouldn’t have said that.’ 'Timothy also recommends knowing when to hit the pause button: 

“I’ll always say – and this includes myself – just chill, be quiet for a moment, and really get ready to speak to somebody. If they want to walk outside; that’s fine – walk and then get back together. Be like, ‘Hey man, you alright?’ Then the parent, and the child, can see where they are. And I think that’s why I have a great relationship with the kids I care for.”

This authenticity extends to how Timothy talks about the children in his care:

"These kids are looking for somebody... they're not looking to be called, 'Well, there's my foster kid,’ but rather: 'Oh, that's my kid.'"

The distinction matters — not because paperwork or legal status changes, but because belonging is a fundamental human need, especially for children who have experienced disruption.

"The First Time He Said, 'Dad, You've Been Wonderful,' I Could Have Cried"

The journey with Kyle wasn't easy or quick. Timothy describes years of challenges, setbacks, and slow progress. But eventually, there came a moment of connection that made everything worthwhile:

"Kyle came to me and said, 'Dad, you've been wonderful.’ I could have cried."

This single moment didn't magically erase all difficulties, but it provided confirmation that Timothy's persistence was making a difference. Beneath Kyle's protective behaviors was a child who was beginning to trust, to attach, to belong.

"There are some people that you really love. Kyle? I love Kyle. He had some bad moments, but I love him. We built a bond.” 

This unconditional acceptance — loving Kyle not because he was perfect but because he was worthy of love despite his actions — created space for healing.

"Mentor Foster Care Definitely Gives A Lot Of Support"

Timothy emphasizes that no foster parent succeeds alone. Having strong agency support makes all the difference:

In Alabama, for example, this support comes in many forms:

"The biggest support is taking the children to certain doctor's appointments, attending school, being there for their ISP, being there for the IEP, just being there. Every week, they're coming to the house to see them."

For Timothy, this professional support creates a team around each child:

"I believe that there's a therapeutic value of just talking. Helping them to get out what's going on without the parent being there, you know, that's great support. The kid gets an opportunity to share his or her feelings."

"Everybody's Perfectly Imperfect"

When asked what advice he would give to foster parents worried about taking on children with challenging behaviors, Timothy offers this perspective:

"I always tell anyone who wants to work with children: ‘You know what? Everybody's perfectly imperfect. They’re lost and separated from their families. You have to allow them to go through certain processes so they can come to you."

This simple phrase, “everybody’s perfectly imperfect,” captures the profound truth: none of us — foster parents or children — need to be flawless to make a meaningful difference in each other's lives. It's not perfection that heals trauma but consistency, authenticity, and unconditional acceptance.

"I Was That Somebody He Needed To Believe In, To Believe In Him"

Perhaps Timothy's most profound insight comes in how he describes his relationship with Kyle. As the first child that Timothy fostered, he went into it knowing there would be challenges, but trusting it would be the right decision. 

Talking about the decision to foster, he explained, “I made good decisions all my life. So, I’m going to trust that the decision I make in pursuing this child is positive and is going to be a good one. I was that somebody he needed to believe in. And to believe in him."

This simple statement captures the essence of successful parenting for children in foster care.

Before children can believe in themselves, they need someone who believes in them first — someone who sees past current behaviors to future potential.

Timothy's journey with Kyle – and all the kids in his care – wasn't about instant connection but about consistent presence that gradually allowed love to grow. The relationship developed through daily choices to stay, to engage, to believe — even when immediate results weren't visible.

Can You Show a Child Someone Will Stay — That You Won't Give Up on Them?

Will you be the one who stays when others have walked away? The one who sees beyond challenging behaviors to the child beneath who's asking, "Are you going to give up on me?"

When deciding to become a foster parent, you don't have to make this journey alone. Just as Mentor Foster Care provided Timothy with crucial support — from assistance with appointments and school meetings to weekly visits — they'll be there for you every step of the way.

Get answers specific to your life circumstances: Talk to a foster care expert about how Mentor Foster Care can support you in creating stability for a child who needs consistency. Learn how their comprehensive services can help you navigate challenges with confidence.

You don't need to be perfect—just "perfectly imperfect" and willing to believe in a child, even when they don't yet believe in themselves.